DAY 15

Santa Barbara - Menlo Park, CA

Final leg home up the pacific



final stats
duration: 2 weeks
miles driven: 5,009
tickets/accidents: 0 (miraculously)
starbucks products consumed: 879
'stuff you should know' podcasts listened to: 115
chest bumps exchanged: uncountable
ribs bruised or broken: 3
nights camped: 4
calories consumed/meal in the south: 7,012

Final resting place: Home (Menlo Park, CA)

thanks for riding with us

DAY 14

Las Vegas, NV - Santa Barbara, CA

Woke up early, with little will left to sleep, or live for that matter. Despite being one of our shorter drives, the car ride felt like an eternity of getting poked in the brain with light sabers. 5.5 hours later, we arrived in Isla Vista, Santa Barbara, home to the UCSB social scene and the honorable Carson Weiss IV.


Ocean view from the front deck and argument for SB being the best place in the world to go to college

After a brief disco nap, Parker and I dusted off our ragged selves for a birthday celebration for one of Carson's 11 roommates. Upon entering the party scene, I walked by a group of 5 fratty dudes with solo cups, one of which looked at me and said under his breadth, "shit, i think the cops are here." It then dawned on me that, relative to these college kids, I might as well be 58 years old. I made the most of it by telling tall tales from the days of yore, many moons before they were in high school (about 1,700 or so). We quickly fell back into a familiar rhythm and a responsible, mature evening ensued.




Final resting place for the night: closet of a 12-guy college house

DAY 13

sedona, az - las vegas, nv

Set off for Nevada in the morning and to view the expanse of American frontier best characterized as wasteland (and the hoover dam). They're currently in the process of building a bridge over the hoover dam, which is pretty awesome to watch. We also picked up our 3rd and final hour changing time zones, which was the 3rd of which we didn't plan on or realize it happened until we got to our destination (bonus hour!).


if you can't already tell, this picture was taken the morning after

Got into Vegas, did a little 'thank you Jesus for getting us this far (without the car getting broken into), please get us through this' [on single knee, touchdown celebration style]. Settled into the hotel room, picked up tickets to Cirque de Soleil's O, grabbed dinner at PF Chang's, and then did a little recreational gambling.

I'd like to thank the Bellagio for turning my brief blackjack table sit down (just to get a drink) into a harsh and immediate reminder of how absolutely abysmal of a gambler I am. It only took 10 minutes and $200 until the dealer was coaching us to "change tables before I bankrupt you." No thanks, Bellagio. I'll just go watch uncomfortably flexible grown men do quadruple back flips into a huge tank of water instead.


Parker loved these statues

Needless to say, the Cirque de Soleil show was awesome, and with the memory of how terrible I am at gambling still fresh in my mind, we decided to try our hand at a game where we have more experience and a better chance to win: beirut (where everyone wins). After losing 2 of 3 games to 2 USC frat kids, "Rufio" and some kid with an Australian accent who said he was British (but was probably from New Jersey for all I could tell), the night ended in expected Vegas debaucherous form along with my desire to continue this tale.

Final resting place for the day: Planet Hollywood Hotel, Las Vegas, NV

man rule: if your shoes are off, you can't be sharpee'd on

DAY 10-12

November 2-4, 2009

sedona, az



DAY 1

Caught up on much anticipated down time and some of life's finest luxuries...like a bed.

If you haven't been to or heard of Sedona, it's pretty much one of the most spectacular places in all the land, with 360 degree views of lovely red rock formations for miles and perfect weather most months of the year (we can vouch for november). If you're looking for a remote, warm, and romantic getaway for you and your lova, check it out. The Enchantment Resort and Spa is particularly delightful [slipping endorsement check into pocket].

We slept in late, played some tennis, chilled by the pool, ate well, and pretty much tried to spend as much time horizontally as possible.

DAY 2

(reluctantly) Roused from our lethargic state to check out the grand canyon on Tuesday, strategically to buy ourselves another day of nothingness on wednesday and secure a direct and painless passage to Vegas on thursday.

Wandered among the tourists, admired the enormous hole in the ground, tripped and went down a camera, and chilled until the sun went down. One thing that the grand canyon national park association isn't big on: safety. All over the place, there are people repelling off paths, climbing around to get a better view and glamor shot standing over a cliff with a X,000 foot death drop. Good thing Parker and my #1 priority is always safety.



DAY 3

Woke up and hiked nearby Bear Mountain, which was rated 'strenuous' but was also atop all the Sedona hike rankings. Parker and I thought it was probably "strenuous...for the elderly", until I realized that most of the elderly are probably in better shape than I am at this point. It appears our healthy lifestyle of overeating and sitting down for > 8 hours a day hasn't been great on the 'cardiovascular endurance.' We made it to the top (where I then lost parker and the hiking trail for about an hour) and it turned out to be well worth it.





Post-descent, we returned to Enchantment for what was probably the highlight of the trip: 7 hours of hanging out in a kingly robe. During this time I didn't feel like exerting myself enough to pick up a camera, so unfortunately there are no pics from this glorious period.

Final day 10-12 resting place: Enchantment Resort, Sedona, AZ

DAY 9

lincoln national forest - white sands, nm - scottsdale, az - sedona, az


Survived the night in the mountains, which is good. Decided to relieve ourselves outside of the tent in the middle of the night, which in hindsight, is also good.

Defrosted the tent, dodged some cattle, and got out of the park early, en route to the Scottsdale area. Not far outside of Lincoln Forest, stopped by the White Sands National Monument, where we wandered the sprawling caucasian dunes until being chased by a pack of carnivorous Sand People.



Continued on to Las Cruces, NM for a tasty, post-Church mexican breakfast at Delicia's and our 215th Starbucks stop of the trip. Stopped in Scottsdale for dinner with the Weiss Family before continuing on to Sedona, our much anticipated resting place through Thursday.

DAY 8

Saturday, October 31

san angelo, tx - lincoln national forest, nm



Woke up eagerly at sunrise to explore the vast wonderland that is western texas. To get an understanding of this rich strip of America, simply take the picture below, multiply it by 5 hours of driving, sprinkle in a couple hundred oil rigs and cotton fields, and you now know everything you'll ever need to know about western texas.


During our drive, Parker and I were able to get our piece of manifest destiny and stake claim to a few dozen oil fields


and took a quick break at the 1,500 acre ranch that I bought on a whim



New Mexico

Spent a lovely afternoon in Artesia, NM, dining at the 5 star Wellhouse Brewpub for lunch. On the way out, the waitress tells us to "beware of the Lincoln Forest," encouraging Halloween advice before heading into the mountains to camp.

Upon our arrival to the Lincoln National Forest we discover that the 3 day hunting season has just begun and notice that the woods were teeming with camo and neon orange clad men with rifles riding ATVs...time to set up camp. I know deer are colorblind, but wearing a bright-orange crossing guard costume seems to defeat the purpose of the elaborate camouflaged suit, but decided not to share this opinion with the men carrying the rifles and carcasses. A few other hurdles we hit en route to the camp ground...


To show how manly we are, Parker and I set up camp on a snow-filled field at an elevation of 9,2000 feet in area called Bluff Springs. After doing about 200 shirtless pushups, killing a deer with our bare hands, and flexing for an inappropriately long time, we cooked dinner and played with our macho fire while telling ghost stories and shrieking like schoolgirls. That night, I don't think Parker or I have ever so consciously considered peeing in our sleeping bags (vs. the alternative of braving the 15 degree weather outside the tent).

Final resting place for the night: Bluff Springs, Lincoln National Forest, NM

DAY 7

austin - san angelo, tx


Woke up in Austin to an awesome banana waffle breakfast, compliments of our lovely host, Mrs. Denise Burton.

Set sail to San Angelo State Park in western texas...because we're responsible grown ups that know to figure out where we're sleeping before the sun goes down.

Thanks to both the GPS and google maps ineptitude at predicting travel times, arrived into San Angelo 2 hours early and were actually able to buy rations, set up camp, and explore the town of San Angelo before sun down.

2 things you may not have heard...I actually became King of Texas during our time in the Lone Star State...


and Parker joined the Texas national guard...


If you're ever looking for a considerably emasculating experience (which I always am), buy 2 large piles of wet "firewood" from the store and try to get a half decent fire going. If you want to turn up the level of shame and frustration, be sure it's < 20 degrees out that night.

Still managed to salvage a quality night of camping complete with a custom pot of chili and a solid night's sleep.

Final resting place for the day: San Angelo State Park Texas

DAY 6

new orleans - austin

checked out the lower 9th ward before crushing an 8 hour trek west to Austin (hence the limited activity), breaking only to load a few thousand more calories at another Cracker Barrel breakfast.

During the drive, Parker and I continued to build on our already close (and increasingly dependent) relationship with Josh Clark and Chuck Bryant, hosts of the Stuff You Should Know podcast. Building on our random manknowledge, we learned such things as:

• How easy is it to steal a nuclear bomb?
• Is it possible to brainwash someone?
• How do biohydrocarbons work?
• Can you control your dreams?

If you've got 20-minutes of mindless, zone-out time at work to kill, we couldn't recommend checking out these podcasts more highly.


Austin

Stopped by the frog studio to say some hellos and grab a few beers with some Texan frogs.

Cruised out to outer austin to drop off our stuff and grab a killer brisket, sausage, turkey, and rib dinner at the Salt Lick (epic Texas BBQ joint).

At this point, my digestive system might hate me even more than my liver does. Our last 5 dinners were: BBQ - BBQ - cajun - cajun - BBQ, which if were pooled and weighed, would scale in at somewhere around 35 pounds.

Fought the food coma in downtown Austin around 6th street, where the streets were teaming with UT students who weren't able to wait until Saturday to breakout their costumes. My favorite 2 were a guy who was somehow talked into wearing a full Peter Pan costume (tights and all) by his girlfriend (tinkerbell) and 2 girls who were either victoria's secret angels or cabaret performers.

Wandered around, hitting Friends for live music, Buffalo billiards for pool, and Lucky's for more music.

Final resting place for the day: outer Austin, the Burton residence

DAY 5

new orleans

first full day without travel, so enjoyed a productive 2p wake up to make up for the previous 4 nights of napping.

Cruised around the french quarter a bit, continued the theme of getting generally harassed like the tourists we are.

I was approached by a large, bummish looking man who insisted he could guess where I got my shoes. Foolishly setting aside my 10 years of experience ignoring urban strangers, I figured I'd be nice and let him guess. He then cleverly asserts "you got them on yo feet" and proceeds to dump about 6 ounces of a mysterious pink fluid all over them. Around the same time I begin to lose my cool and ask him what the f he's doing, he tells me I owe him $10 for "the good stuff." I respectfully decline and walk away as he less-respectfully kicks me, providing me with a vivid reminder of why you shouldn't ever break stride when approached by a city stranger.

[Lunch] fried catfish po-boy and muffaletta sandwich at Market Cafe

Took a romantic stroll down the Mississippi River Walk, carefully avoiding a band of unkempt bohemians looking for trouble (as if they come any other way), and cruised over to check out an old school Riverboat.



[Dinner] More excellent jambalaya and some mediocre gumbo @ Mother's, a great, old school (80 year old) home style new orleans joint with amiable staff.

Caught a dope jazz show at D.B.A. and took one final stroll down Bourbon to hit the Bourbon Street Blue Company balcony for one last 3 for 1 special.



Final night's resting place: india house hotel (still as sketchy as the night before)

DAY 4

okolona, mississippi - new orleans


Nissan should be paying us for this

woke up in a tent in mississippi in a heavy downpour. immediately googling 'how to take down a tent in the rain' suggests that i should question my survival skills (who needs survival skills when you have google).




morning calisthenics on davis lake

Huddle House, the ugliest cousin of all other sub-mediocre fast food restaurants (alongside Roy Rogers, Nathan's, and just about any other fast food place you'll find along the new jersey turnpike)

New Orleans
We have arrived to one of the most eagerly anticipated stops on the drive

Parker, in search of the perfect bowl jambalaya, tracked down Coop's Place, where we crushed a delicious meal of gumbo, baked beans, and their signature rabbit & sausage jambalaya.

Checked out an awesome jazz show at the Spotted Cat before heading to Bourbon Street.



A few observations wandering around Bourbon street...

• Why are there so many middle aged white men in sports coats here?
• Legally walking around with a beer in hand is awesome. Why can't we get this accepted in more cities, is it really that much worse than the alternatives (1. being drunk on the street after just coming out of a bar or 2. brown bagging beers on the street*)?
• Why are you trying to force me to take one of your unnaturally colored neon test tube shots, uncomfortably scantily clad waitress wearing an outfit that wouldn't fit a 7 year old? The proper way to offer a patron these shots, as Parker discovered, is:

1. Sneak up and cop an unexpected butt grab
2. Immediately grab said patron's boob
3. Stick the base of the tube in your mouth, indicating that you'll dump it into his
4. If patron doesn't bite, stick test tube between your chest

NOTE: this approach did not work

* it is commonly known that city police are blind to the color light, paper bag brown


i tried, and could not think of a better business name

For better or for worse, Parker and I didn't actually know what "cabaret" meant. So we decided to survey several cabaret employees promoting their establishment from the sidewalk. Their responses to the question "what is cabaret?" are as follows:

"It's, like...chicks stripping"
"On Bourbon Street, Cabaret just means strip club"
"This is cabaret? Nah, this is a strip club"
"Cabaret is just a fancy way of saying strip club"

Glad we got to the bottom of that.

Cost of using the Mango Mango Daiquiri restroom: ending the night with a 160 proof mango daiquiri grenade at 3am

Final resting place for the night: india house hotel
(and yes, it's about as sketchy as it sounds)

DAY 3

nashville - memphis - lake davis, mississippi



nashville


Breakfast @ Cracker Barrel
Consumed: eggs, grits, biscuits, gravy, sausage, thick cut bacon, country ham, fried apples, 14 cups of coffee (start the digestive tract time bomb)

There are 2 emerging themes in Parker and my experience with southern dining: excessive overeating and 13 servings of meat per meal. Next mystery to solve, American obesity (in the south)

On a similar note, just got passed by the 3rd swerving car with a driver crushing a hamburger or full mexican food platter. Tennessee loves in car dining.


and fancy people hate rednecks

Number of adult video stores passed between Nashville and Memphis: 35

1:00am - just passed 15th "soft shoulder" road sign along the Natchez Trace, why is it trying to lure me to it's shoulder to sleep? This trace would be a lot sweeter if it bumped up the speed limit about 100mph.

1:10am - Time to challenge the US national forest '2 day advanced reservation required' policy

final resting place for day 3: Davis Lake, Okolona, Mississippi

DAY 2

west virginia - kentucky - tennessee



a 5-star, West Virginian good morning


Stop 1
Versailles, KY

Kentucky: the self-proclaimed "horse capital of the world!"


4 Kentucky stallions


Woodford Reserve Distillery Tour

Things learned:

• We send all of our sloppy seconds to Canada and Scotland (white oak barrels)
• More reason to drink at work: it turns out all things that make the bourbon making process unique, were discovered by accident (burnt barrels, malted barley, and a small touch of urine in every bottle)
• Cattle have 4 times as many stomachs as horses
• Unsurprisingly, bourbon-flavored coffee tastes awesome.

just a casual stroll down to the distillery


Stop 2
Nashville, TN

Dinner @ Wildhorse Saloon
Fried pickles: validation that pretty much any food can be enhanced by being soaked in a vat of fat

Layla's Bluegrass Inn - awesome live bluegrass

Tootsie's Orchid Lounge - Cabo Wabo, Nashville-style

Nashville, home of the most structurally sound bars in the USA
(and it wasn't until 16 hours and 32 plays, that i realized the meaning of 'save a horse, ride a cowboy')

Women in the south love to dance, have impressive (almost stripper-like rhythm) and, best of all, seem to require no male involvement.


Final resting place for day 2: Goodlettsville, TN

DAY 1

new york - nj - maryland - pennsylvania - west virginia
Nissan Murano (pimpin 17s)
miles driven: 594
distance without getting lost: 454 miles
drive duration: 11.5 hours (1p-12:30a)
time until hungover brains shut off: approx. 6hrs
follow us on the map

Resting place: Riffle Run Campground, Burnsville Lake, WV

# of freak monsoons the Nissan has been attacked by: 1

# of times tricked by google maps in first 8hrs: 27

cautionary note: severe risk of hypnosis from looking into the psychedelic dashboard


time after which it becomes acceptable to hold 2-way dialogue with Magellan: 9hrs

Amount of time you are capable of driving after your brain shuts down: TBD

(un-ideal) time to discover that your intended campsite requires 2 day advanced reservation: 10:35p that night

Current hypothesis being tested: how many consecutive country songs does it take to kill the equivalent # of brain cells to chugging 10 beers? (current estimate: 7)